what will i do if your answer is no;
if you don’t want me where shall i go?
the sting of your retort will hurt
but what will remain lurks deep beneath the surface
conspiring there with all the gathered history
of like experience,
coagulating, subsumed into the tissue of my being
with a half life well beyond my remaining years.
yet i would rather you saw me off,
clinically severed,
than accepted me under duress
for whatever reason
endured me because i persuaded you
of my worth.
if you don’t see it
tell me now.
just say no,
and i will move on.
this sojourn of belonging
will move on.
Sound and Silence 
There seems to be a lot of pain and longing in this poem.
I like this line particularly: “with a half life well beyond my remaining years” – It’s clever and rich.
“don’t throw your pearls before swine”.
these people aren’t swine – of course not – but if poets, visionaries, musicians etc have to continually deconstruct their souls for the benefit of those without ears to hear – and even then, with little or no effect – then maybe they should cut and move on until they find their constituency, their tribe, their cohorts.
at the risk of sounding judgemental – i stand outside the organised church but within the temple/garden – i see compliance dressed up as community in most fellowships. maybe the church is no different from the world at large on this point of character. if so, then why pretend to be an alternative?
your tribe may be small but it’s growing.
you have weight ou pel – you’re just not slick or pushy.
adios till later,
russ.
Thanks Tia and RuZl.
It takes wisdom to know when to “cut and move” and when to persevere. Personally I have been in the cut and move season for over 10 years, and its been rich in retrospect. But now I feel the ache to belong. I need to honour that ache.
“Complience dressed as community”. Aaye, a sharp observation indeed. The question is one of how conditional your acceptance of others is. Will we EVER be as accepting as G-d? I know how unbeliveably far away from that ideal I am.
this sojourn of belonging….
exquisitely said.
It is a paradox to feel a part of someone who is ambivelant or indifferent, isn’t it? Almost like our feelings betray us.
What I have learned is to trust my own instinct and capacity to love, and to let go of my notions about how that needs to manifest.
NH
Sharply observed, the paradox … we bear this pain. And that trusting, that a key to any life of faith. Thank you for a well considered reflection.
Nic
Nic. a good question you raised, about how conditional our acceptance of others is. i score low in that department at present, as there are a couple of people i’m actively avoiding making contact with. i trust that you find the community & belonging you seek, within the fellowship you have engaged. you certainly have a lot to contribute.
i haven’t partaken of any church related activity since raising the issue of universal restoration at house group and am not sure whether i can nurture a healthy spirituality within an orthodox & organised setting. many of the great saints & mystics have so it’s possible.
Wow!
One thing I have come to after riding this carpet through many a dark night: Lets stand on the other side: “How do I cut you loose, say no. Do I even know what you’re asking? Where are you? Oh yes I see you now. I did not know there was anythig to cut. Come. Why so dramatic. Make yourself at home. What’s all the fuss about? Nice to have you. You’re a great guy. What was that? Well now that’s a big question. Asking a lot. Sounds good though, lets talk soon. Look. Must run, things to do. Don’t rush. Just close the door behind you when you go.”
I’m not sure it’s reasonable to expect another to cut one loose. Who brought out the string?
And on a more personal level here is my yes, knowing that with it comes all the inconsistencies and frailties that tarnish its yes-ness. But yes it is nonetheless, as much as I understand yes.
Tryme
So are you saying,
— there is a place of genuine welcome somewhere.
— we cut ourselves loose, not GET cut loose. But if you are seeking a mutual relationship, this is based on honesty. There should be a clarity of the basis for a relationship at the outset. If I an neither cut loose nor fully accepted as I am then there is no basis for the relationship.
— A good response this: the yes. AND the acceptance of its frailty. I am still seeking such a yes.
BTW why “tryme”?
Relationships where you are pushing the boundaries of the other – and yourself; exploring new spaces of meaning and possibility, in my experience are hardly ever able to be fully negotiated. The rules are fluid, if there at all. Honesty is only as much as we are ever capable of and I fall into holes in the road all the time. And where is my friend? On the other side, fighting their own demons. In these relationships I have to carry my belonging and welcome in a bag with me; a survival kit. But none of this undermines the integrity of your poem or the truth it holds. And we are to be one anothers anchors, ragged angels.
This all makes me think of Leonard Cohens words
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will
I love the idea of being dressed in rags of light.
Try me. Because I think I got stuff worth trying. Don’t you?
You speak as one who has tried this.
3 great points
1. Relationships pushing boundaries can seldom be negotiated … honesty is as much as we are capable.
— When I am negotiating a relationship, the key quality that gives hope, is trust. The other is different and may be threatening, but if I sense trust, our differences have a chance of being resolved. What can I do to express this trust? – Only hear, and hold.
2. Fighting their own demons.
— YES. I think of some good movies here, “Dominic and Eugene”, “Se7en”, where an exteriorised enemy is finally shown to be a “personal demon” within. In the case of D&E the dramatic outcome where Eugene remembers his own abandonment and is healed; in the case of 7, the Brad Pitt character, so used to chasing the bad guys, is destroyed by his own demon.
3. Rags of light.
What is that song; its fab.u.lous.
Song is “If it Be Your Will”.
And in closing A poem I wrote to a friend this morning. Pushing boundaries. Should put it on my blog. The audience is better here. Been a while coming. This thread helped me to it.
Be beautiful for me.
Because I know you are.
I am your ragged angel and see you where you dare not go.
And that is my delight, your gift to me.
And you, my ragged angel,
Find me pieces of myself I dare not know.
My light that waits, always, to be let out.
Tearing a hole in the proper course of the day.
A precious and untamed us.
Who has no home,
No place to sleep.
Except in the dancing flames of uncertainty
Where promises curl and twist.
And hope makes love to fear.
Be still in this fire
And meet the knowing that is your anchor.
I dare you,
I dare me.